Unfortunately I didn't come here about six months ago when things were looking bleak and shared my thoughts and emotions with someone who wasn't ready to hear it. Someone I loved, someone I cared about, someone who I was beginning to think I was going to be able to build a future with.
I should have written it all down here to get it off my mind.
The past two years since I last wrote some things have just flown by and life passed quickly and seemed to leave me moving at a much slower rate.
Summer of 2014 I worked my guts out and gave my all to work. September rolled around and was in a mountain biking accident that took me out for a few months. I was stuck on the couch and really couldn't do much. I finished out the season working doing what I could until winter hit. That winter was less that good and really didn't get out to ski much even though thats all I planned on doing until work started up again in the spring. I was kind of stuck and nothing in life seemed to be improving. I wanted something to hit and get something going in life.
I was doing things to myself mentally and emotionally that were less than healthy
I prayed for guidance but felt I didn't get much. I prayed and said that if someone entered my life I would change. I wanted so badly for someone to inspire me. I just wanted someone new in my life that I could love and move on in life with.
Enter "girl". It didn't seem like much at first, but something was different. With most girls I tried to talk to or date, things went south really quickly. Conversation fell apart, interest faded, responses became short and fewer and further between. But with this girl, things were different. She came to me, she showed interest in me, she would ask me questions and would answer mine with enthusiasm. When it came time to ask her out for the first time she was excited. When I wanted to let a few days go by in between dates before contacting her, she would call me. We shared many of the same sentiments in life, were interested in many of the same things. I fell for her, and I fell hard. I won't go into the specifics of what happened through out the summer but she destroyed me. Every time I talked to her and every time we were together I was the happiest I had ever been. She put a smile on my face, and making her laugh was easy. Kissing her felt so right. She inspired me to make the changes I need to make. But when we were apart or times she didn't want to talk it just tore me apart cause I knew I likely wasn't the only one in her life. I gave her my whole heart and was ready to make her my world and give her everything. I was a friend and I cared about her. I didn't judge her for her past and always had encouraging and loving words to help her through difficulties. She even went as far as telling me she loved me just days after telling me she wasn't good enough to date me and would just hurt me if she did. She was so confusing. I just wanted to understand her and wanted her to understand me.
To keep this short, I found myself deep in the "friend zone", and before I knew it she was telling me about boys she was dating. She would call me late at night cause she had no one else to talk to. Called me one of her best friends, one of her closest friends. Before I knew it she had a boyfriend and after running into them one day and spending around them she called me, had some unkind words about choices I've made about my lifestyle, the fact I haven't started a career(despite having a degree and a plan to) and how I've let things such as my fathers passing effect me. It was the straw that broke the camels back and I learned that I had blinded myself throughout the summer wanting something that I was creating in my own mind. She ended that call telling me to never expect to hear from her again.
Now I've left out a lot of detail but to summarize, I fell for this girl, she took advantage of my love and kindness and then ground my heart into the dirt. I just wonder, how could someone not want what I have to give? And I think I have a lot. I was getting ready to start that career, I was ready to make the next moves to start my career, but was criticized for not have my sh*t together.
A month went by and I was on my way to moving on. I was getting used to the idea of her being a terrible person and not needing that in my life. A month went by without hearing from her and I didn't expect it as she told me. But what happened? She couldn't live with the way she treated me and had to call and give me an apology. I didn't answer and let her leave me a message not knowing exactly what she was going to have to say.
She said she wanted to apologize for what she said and said that she didn't appreciated me for the friend I am and apologized for using me. I wanted the apology and deserved it, but almost 2 weeks removed, I'm finding that I didn't need it. All it has done has given me the hope that she is changing and learning from her mistakes, and maybe priming herself for reentrance into my life. I made the mistake of texting her, and probably saying too much. I said that I forgave her for what she said and offered my friendship when she needs it. She responded saying that I "am" one of her best friends and she "loves" me, and that no one ever taught her how to love. She went on to say that we just don't see eye to eye and we are just different. She holds things in and I express my emotion. She ended by saying she truly and deeply regrets what she said and wishes she could take it back.
Why? Why would she want to take it back? What difference would it make? She would still have her boyfriend who she went "facebook official" with 2 days later. I would still be wishing she would give herself a chance to be loved by me. Does she still feel the need to have me around? To what avail?
This was all really just a rant to clear my mind. If anyone reads this I hope I didn't waste your time. If you did read it and have any insight as to why she would be so regretful and wanting to take it all back, please let me know.
Signing off,
Anonymous Blogger
P.S. I may or may not be back sooner than 2 years. Don't hold your breath.
How did I find such a lemon of a girl? My first foray into seriously trying to date someone in many many years and I swear I get the only girl to take interest in me is also the only one who doesn't want to be treated like a Queen and just slaps me down.
