Thoughts

It seems that the only time I come back to this blog is when I need to organize my thoughts and find some answers for myself.

I guess this last week I've had a few things that have come up that both frustrate me and give me more questions. These events and questions mostly stem from friends and family.

I would usually add in school and work but those are probably the only two things that I can say I don't have to worry about too much at the moment.  I was just given a raise and I really have unlimited possibilities there, and school, I'm almost done and I'm just pushing through it.

Most of my frustrations stem from some things that happened over the last few nights. I got a text from a friend telling me that I need to go on a date. Thats usually a given, I should probably go on dates a lot more often than I do but for some reason I haven't been too worried about that lately. Once I get done with school and get that monkey off my back I'll probably feel a little more internal pressure to get out a little more often.

Back to the text, he said that I didn't need to find the girl, all I needed to do was agree.

So Naturally, I agreed, yes I should probably go on a date soon.

So of course thinking that his girlfriend probably knew someone that they thought I would match well with and thinking that they would want to double or something I said ok, what's it all about?

All he said was, "her name is so-and-so, her number is such-and-such, and she's available Wednesday".... That's it?

Come on man, just throw me some random chicks name and number and basically say good luck?

I don't roll that way. Throw me a frickin bone here.

I found it appalling and somewhat insulting.

I basically said that I wasn't available and he shouldn't be banking on me taking her out.

Generally in the past when people try and set me up, it feels like they are doing it out of pity, just hoping that there is some slim chance that I may like her. Hasn't happened once.

When I want to go on a date, I find a girl and I have no problem doing that. If I find a girl really attractive, then I get a little nervous and shy and it doesn't always work out the way I plan but whatever.

He wrote me back telling me those were his last efforts.

Last efforts?

Is it the contract of our friendship for you to be obligated to find me dates? Are there a set number of times you can try and set me up? Does quality of the set up not count even if that was the case? Last time I checked there are aspects of friendship that come long before sending me on a date with some random chick. 

Granted, I have known this kid my whole life, I still just didn't trust him to set me up with someone that I would find attractive. I couldn't resist and looked her up and sure enough, there wasn't any sort a wow factor, and I know from his history of girlfriends that she isn't someone he would find attractive. It's like they think she is in my same position and they think we are both helpless so they feel bad for us and try to set us up. She may be helpless for all I know, but I sure as hell am not. I guess it just shows he doesn't have much confidence in me, and he instills 0 confidence in me doing such an act. Talk about making me feel like nothing.

It just makes me wonder, where did I go wrong? Or did I go wrong at all?

Should I be worried that people around me perceive me as someone much less confident and attractive than I perceive myself to be? How is that going to affect me when I really start pushing to date someone?

Let is suffice to say that my friend situation seems to be a bit awkward at the moment. All of my best friends are married and I don't get to hang around them much in the same capacity as I used to so I'm trying to make due with friends who aren't married and haven't historically had my back as well as others. I guess it's time to try flyin solo again and see what I can come up with.

Speaking of married friends. A bunch of them were throwing a big group date together and were going to do something that has traditionally not required a date but now that so many of them are married it was going to this year. I wanted to go but wasn't too interested in taking a girl on a first date to be around a bunch of married people participating in activities that aren't a guaranteed good time for all involved.

The next best option was to go to dinner with my family for my brothers birthday, which really was the first option. Some friends gave me crap for it(the friend who tried to set me up...who didn't go either) but I was really happy to spend the evening with my family. As much as I am sometimes annoyed with the antics of some members of my family, we all came together and had a good time and were happy.

Thoughts were rolling deep last night and I became somewhat emotional thinking about all of this. What it really comes down to is that no matter how well you think your friends have your back, they can and will fail you. Often times when you are in your greatest need. But family, family will always be there and there is no greater feeling than knowing that they will be there, forever.

I just hope that one day soon I will be able to find a friend who I can trust and before they have a chance to turn on me we can turn each other into family, and at that point I will know that they will be my friend forever because they are now family.

Hope to see you again soon, but likely in another year.

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