Back Again

I've got a funny trend going on here. I come back to this blog when I've got a lot on my mind.

Unfortunately I didn't come here about six months ago when things were looking bleak and shared my thoughts and emotions with someone who wasn't ready to hear it. Someone I loved, someone I cared about, someone who I was beginning to think I was going to be able to build a future with. 

I should have written it all down here to get it off my mind.

The past two years since I last wrote some things have just flown by and life passed quickly and seemed to leave me moving at a much slower rate. 

Summer of 2014 I worked my guts out and gave my all to work. September rolled around and was in a mountain biking accident that took me out for a few months. I was stuck on the couch and really couldn't do much. I finished out the season working doing what I could until winter hit. That winter was less that good and really didn't get out to ski much even though thats all I planned on doing until work started up again in the spring. I was kind of stuck and nothing in life seemed to be improving. I wanted something to hit and get something going in life. 

I was doing things to myself mentally and emotionally that were less than healthy

I prayed for guidance but felt I didn't get much. I prayed and said that if someone entered my life I would change. I wanted so badly for someone to inspire me. I just wanted someone new in my life that I could love and move on in life with. 

Enter "girl". It didn't seem like much at first, but something was different. With most girls I tried to talk to or date, things went south really quickly. Conversation fell apart, interest faded, responses became short and fewer and further between. But with this girl, things were different. She came to me, she showed interest in me, she would ask me questions and would answer mine with enthusiasm. When it came time to ask her out for the first time she was excited. When I wanted to let a few days go by in between dates before contacting her, she would call me. We shared many of the same sentiments in life, were interested in many of the same things. I fell for her, and I fell hard. I won't go into the specifics of what happened through out the summer but she destroyed me. Every time I talked to her and every time we were together I was the happiest I had ever been. She put a smile on my face, and making her laugh was easy. Kissing her felt so right. She inspired me to make the changes I need to make. But when we were apart or times she didn't want to talk it just tore me apart cause I knew I likely wasn't the only one in her life. I gave her my whole heart and was ready to make her my world and give her everything. I was a friend and I cared about her. I didn't judge her for her past and always had encouraging and loving words to help her through difficulties. She even went as far as telling me she loved me just days after telling me she wasn't good enough to date me and would just hurt me if she did. She was so confusing. I just wanted to understand her and wanted her to understand me. 

To keep this short, I found myself deep in the "friend zone", and before I knew it she was telling me about boys she was dating. She would call me late at night cause she had no one else to talk to. Called me one of her best friends, one of her closest friends. Before I knew it she had a boyfriend and after running into them one day and spending around them she called me, had some unkind words about choices I've made about my lifestyle, the fact I haven't started a career(despite having a degree and a plan to) and how I've let things such as my fathers passing effect me. It was the straw that broke the camels back and I learned that I had blinded myself throughout the summer wanting something that I was creating in my own mind. She ended that call telling me to never expect to hear from her again.

Now I've left out a lot of detail but to summarize, I fell for this girl, she took advantage of my love and kindness and then ground my heart into the dirt. I just wonder, how could someone not want what I have to give? And I think I have a lot. I was getting ready to start that career, I was ready to make the next moves to start my career, but was criticized for not have my sh*t together.

A month went by and I was on my way to moving on. I was getting used to the idea of her being a terrible person and not needing that in my life. A month went by without hearing from her and I didn't expect it as she told me. But what happened? She couldn't live with the way she treated me and had to call and give me an apology. I didn't answer and let her leave me a message not knowing exactly what she was going to have to say. 

She said she wanted to apologize for what she said and said that she didn't appreciated me for the friend I am and apologized for using me. I wanted the apology and deserved it, but almost 2 weeks removed, I'm finding that I didn't need it. All it has done has given me the hope that she is changing and learning from her mistakes, and maybe priming herself for reentrance into my life. I made the mistake of texting her, and probably saying too much. I said that I forgave her for what she said and offered my friendship when she needs it. She responded saying that I "am" one of her best friends and she "loves" me, and that no one ever taught her how to love. She went on to say that we just don't see eye to eye and we are just different. She holds things in and I express my emotion. She ended by saying she truly and deeply regrets what she said and wishes she could take it back.

Why? Why would she want to take it back? What difference would it make? She would still have her boyfriend who she went "facebook official" with 2 days later. I would still be wishing she would give herself a chance to be loved by me. Does she still feel the need to have me around? To what avail?

This was all really just a rant to clear my mind. If anyone reads this I hope I didn't waste your time. If you did read it and have any insight as to why she would be so regretful and wanting to take it all back, please let me know.

Signing off,

Anonymous Blogger

P.S. I may or may not be back sooner than 2 years.  Don't hold your breath.

How did I find such a lemon of a girl? My first foray into seriously trying to date someone in many many years and I swear I get the only girl to take interest in me is also the only one who doesn't want to be treated like a Queen and just slaps me down.

What am I waiting for?

I hate to come back to the subject of dating, seeing that it isn't something I do very often, but I'm going to.

At least once a day I get asked about some aspect of dating. Everywhere from why don't you date to are you going to date so-and-so. Everyone always wants an answer, typically they want to hear the answer that they like.

For instance, today I went to the homecoming of a friend of my sister's. I knew her fairly well but most of all she went to my same mission and I wanted to talk to her about it. As I walked in I ran into a friends older brother, "Joe"'s older brother in fact. I have known him ever since we moved into our current house when I was 2. I ended up sitting next to him and we chatted here and there about this and that at one point he asked "so are you going to date (the girl speaking)?". First thing that came to my head was a straight no, but to be somewhat polite I just said "I've never really thought about it".

He told me "don't think about it, you think way to much."

This may be true, I do a lot of thinking, about a lot of things.

But really, thinking about it or not, this girl just isn't in the realm of what I'm looking for.

My question is, "does everything need to have an answer?"

Most of the time a simple yes or no is enough to end an inquiry or conversation.

Often times I feel that most people around don't deserve to hear the real "why", and that is what I am most in need of. Someone who I can actually express what's going on in this head of mine to.

I need someone who would understand that not every question must have an answer, and who won't criticize me for giving an answer that they don't agree with or don't want to hear.

As I have mentioned in the past people have come in and out of my life who have been of great support to me, sometimes just someone to talk to, but now I feel as alone as every. I get no greater feeling from something as I do from someone who I feel genuinely cares about me and what I have to say.

Yeah this may be weird for a guy to admit but we need people to talk to as well.
Girls seem to have emotional break down if they get too bottled up without talking about it but guys tend to just keep it in, day after day. Some people just go off on an adventure or take a day for themselves biking or skiing or whatever, but I tend to find myself wanting to talk about it.
It's not like I have crazy issues or anything but I just kinda need someone to talk to to figure what direction to go. I usually figure it out on my own but I tend to let my thoughts get so jumbled I just need someone there to help me sort them out.
I just hoping someone like that comes my way again real soon.

That is all.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous Blogger

Good time.

I figure before I write another somewhat serious post I need to have another happy post.

So there I was, around noon, sitting in the institute on thursday when I got a text from a friend.

"You coming dancing tonight?"

Dancing? I had heard nothing about dancing anywhere for anything.

Turns out he had planned to go to 80's night at Area 51.

I'd never been and have always thought Area 51 to be quite the dive, but knowing that I need to take advantage of any opportunity I can get to go have some fun, I went.

Typically in my past I've been the one that's had a hard time putting myself out there on a dance floor to potentially make a fool of myself, and usually spend my time on the wall.

Not anymore.

I don't know what ever kept me from breaking out a bit but over the past few years I've been more willing to put myself out there, and oh how good it feels.

Seriously, when I'm out there just cutting a rug, I feel happier and more confident that ever. It really is the strangest thing. Now I still wouldn't say I'm the smoothest most coordinated guy out there when it comes to dancing with the girls but I doesn't stop me from trying.

It's just a real good time.

I went, I had fun, and it was a successful night out.

Man, I have so much on my mind and everything I write or even think about seems to spark more subjects for writing. I'll just leave you with this for now and hope to write again soon.

Peace and Love,

Anonymous Blogger

Yesterday was a good day, for many reasons.

First it was an amazing ski day. When got up to the mountain nice and early and headed toward an area that not many people had been to yet. After a few good fun runs we(two friends and myself) met up with 2 more friends, one of which was the friend who tried to set me up a couple weeks ago, I'

ll call him "Joe". A couple runs later the resort opened up a restricted area after doing some avalanche work and we were the first ones up. It ended up just being me and "Joe" that decided to hike up farther and we got some new fresh tracks and we was really good skiing. The other 3 got way ahead of us so we just picked a line through some trees and we were just cruising. "Joe was lower than me and stopped by some trees and pointed out a big wind lip and as I was going he pointed it out to me and without saying anything or stopping a just cruised down and hit and threw a nice backflip and just kept going.

After I stopped and he caught back up to me all he had to say was good things and gave me props.

I was feeling pretty good about myself.

As the runs went on we hiked more and I spotted a good cliff to hit and hit it first and "Joe" hit it after me and thanked me for spotting it.

Later in the day after we had gone home I posted a picture on Instagram and he again commented how I "slayed today".

All I've got to say is that it was amazingly refreshing to be complimented on what you work on, versus critiqued on things you already know you don't do so well, especially when it is coming from the same person.

So all I can say is it was such a relief it was to have a day full of good times with good friends and nothing but positive words going around.

My advice to anyone who sees this is;

focus on the positives in life, it is way to easy to be complacent with the negative because it comes so easily. The more positivity you spread and the more you focus on people's strengths rather than their short comings the better you both will become.

That is all.

Goodnight world.

More Me

Being Super Bowl weekend and all...crazy sports fan make me question their sanity.
I love sports as much as the next guy, but I know too many people who take it too far.
All the fantasy football, basketball, baseball, etc. just doesn't interest me in the slightest.
If there is a sports event being televised it most likely is on at my house. I find different events to stream on my computer, but going so far as to memorize every teams roster and follow all these athletes is just too much. Sure I'll root for certain teams but being super vocal in a win or loss just isn't me.
I would say I am most attached to soccer.


Anyway I guess I'll go on telling you a bit more about me.

I write letters, hand written letters, to people who have played meaningful roles in my life.
It's been awhile since written one, and let's just say I wish there was someone who I felt needed one right now.

I'm quite good at remembering names.
I find it's almost trendy to be bad at remembering names and I think people put way to little effort into remembering names. Especially if I can spot just one unique thing about you I'll be sure to remember you for quite some time.
I'm also good at remembering where I meet people.
Like the other day, I ran into this kind I haven't seen in probably 3 years.
All he could say is that I look familiar and I remembered his name and where we knew each other from. Go figure.

I'm very observational. I catch myself looking around every room I am in and taking mental notes of all things present, including people. I catch myself glancing up at people walking by and I link them to other places I have seen them. Then if they ever say that I look familiar I just have to play it cool like "oh, maybe I've seen you at such and such building" even though I know exactly where I have seen them.
It's not something I do consciously to be creepy, it just kinda happens.

I am also really good at remembering directions.
I had to pick something up for my brother in Salt Lake the other day, so he gave me the address of this house. I looked it up on my laptop before I left campus, took a mental note of the route and the turns ...didn't ever need to pull out my phone.

Treating girls like real people.
I don't find dating to be a game, I don't think that I am greater than any woman, and I treat them with respect and act as much like a gentleman as I can.
Chivalry is not dead in me.

Me? I'm a little different.

I'm on a roll!

At the end of my past post I mentioned something about being different from everyone else and that there are no two people alike in the world.

I just kinda wanted to go through all the things that I think make me different, and make me...me.

Now, when I talk about being "different" I'm not talking about it some diminished capacity way, but just as I've said, being my own individual.

Some of these things you may find common but I guess I'll just tell you a bit about myself and I'll let you be the judge.

The most important thing about me and being able to be me is not caring what other people think and not letting them convince me otherwise.

I often use big words and talk somewhat old fashioned. Quite often my friends and people give me weird looks and make comments like, "ok, whatever that means". It's not my fault you have a small vocabulary. Then again, when it comes to spending time at home my family's vocabulary makes me feel like an idiot, but we do have fun talking in accents though.

Along the lines of vocabulary, sometimes words, mostly simple words, completely escape me and I sit in an awkward silence. It's fun. ...not really.

I'm also a bit of a grammar Nazi, but I know people hate Nazi's so I try to oppress that side of me.

That's what I get for being corrected by one of the biggest grammar Nazis of all time, my father, a college professor.

I cook, and man can I cook. Or at least I think I can...and baking, particularly rolls. Love em. 

I enjoy it, and for some reason people think that's weird.

Whatever. 

I know my wife will love me for it.

Cleaning and staying organized. Sometimes I lose control and things will get a little messy but that's when I do my best work. I'll kinda snap and spend hours cleaning and detailing everything.

My room

the kitchen

my car

our yard

then shed

the garage

and even the bathroom.

I find it quite fulfilling. I like the little details. 

I'm sure my wife will love me for that too.

I can juggle on a unicycle.

Weird, unique, whatever, I know.
Taught myself to unicycle in high school, taught myself how to juggle oranges while working at Jamba Juice just out of high school, then couple years back thought about putting them together.
I also solved a Rubik's cube on my unicycle at an EFY talent show. The ladies loved it.
Ok, maybe, not really.

I'm kinda weird, as I'm sure you deduced from that last little thing there.
I'm proud of my weirdness and it comes out at random, often in the form of words that make my friends say, "what?", and then conversation just goes on.

As much as I would like to be "tall, dark, and handsome", I'm not.
I'm about 6 inches, dark, and handsome short of being such.
I'm kinda short, as hard as it is for me to admit that, it's a fact, and it's who I am.
I'm running a few inches short of average when it comes to men my age.
So what, sue me.

I'm not a muscle head, far from it.
But I am quite athletic and very active.
I pretty much enjoy anything and everything that can be defined as a "sport", and much more.

I take random hikes, at random times.
Last summer out of no where I decided to ditch all my plans for the 4th of July, just kidding, I didn't have any plans, surprise surprise!
Anyway instead of making plans I hiked Mount Ogden.
That's the big peak East of Ogden with the radio towers.
I did it alone, and watched all the firework shows 5,000 feet below.
I've also hiked it in the middle of the night to watch the sun rise.

That was one for the books.

My taste in music is unlike anyone I've ever met.
All the mainstream pop music makes me sick.
Sure they're fine at dance parties when no one cares about anything but when I'm by myself you won't catch me dead listening to that garbage.
I listen to either oldies, some nostalgic music from my past, or just some of the smaller names and bands that are floating around, with the occasional high profile artist. Don't think I'm a hipster or anything, I'm not a snob about it.
I particularly enjoy female vocalists. Usually one's with unique voices.

I don't have little man syndrome.
I don't drive a big lifted truck to make me feel better about myself.
I actually drive a little zippy sports car.
It's the car of my dreams, at least for my current budget.

It is very unique and if you saw it you would have no question whether it was mine or not.
Just like tonight, I was in class at the U and a friend texted me and said, "I spy your car".
Parked at the Institute at the U.
Very individualistic, very...me.

I hate school, but love learning.
Being required to learn certain things is a serious drag. I end up spending most of class reading up on things that have nothing to do with that class or even my degree. So glad I'm in my last semester.
C's get degrees.
That kinda my philosophy for this last semester(I'll likely get better than that though).

This one is weird, but I think it's awesome.
Sometimes when people touch you, you get that tingly feeling on your head and down your arms, right?
Well, I can give myself that feeling when people touch my stuff.
My stuff!
Better yet, if I convince my mind to think something is mine and people touch it, I get the feeling.
And every movement they make sends another wave.
For example, if someone borrows a pen from me, all I have to do is watch them use it, and I get it.

What color of hair I am attracted to constantly changes.
I'll go from blondes to brunettes, back to blondes, then to redheads, back to blondes, and it goes
on and on.
Right now?
I'd have to say blondes.
Especially ones that wear beanies,
and big sweaters,
and dark jeans
tucked into tall brown boots.

Saw one of those today.

I let her keep walking, away from me.
Shame.


Now that my mind is rolling I think I could go on and on and on.
But if I did that, you, my masses of readers, would get bored.
So I better save it for another day.



Cheers,

Anonymous Blogger

To the masses.

After a post like yesterday's I hope all of you, my masses of readers, don't think I'm some sad little boy who has no friends and is helpless.

I want to assure you that this isn't the case. 

I got to thinking as I was driving around today and jammin' out to some of my favorite tunes that I really am happy and there isn't really too much out there that gets me worked up on a regular basis. Sure there are things, like those I posted about yesterday that I let get to me on occasion but honestly, those things come and go so fast it makes my head spin.

I am who I am and if people around don't like and appreciate me for that, they're just gonna have to deal with it. Granted, there are things and aspects of my life that I do indeed need to work on, I don't do it for anyone but myself.

I am happy.

I am happy with who I am and there isn't anything that is going to change that.

There is a sense of confidence that comes from you knowing that you are your own individual. There is nothing that says you have to be like everyone else around you.

I can assure you that I am like no one you have ever met before.

Seriously, and in more aspects than you could probably imagine.

That's what makes me Great.